In The Absence of Sun by Helie Lee

According to Helie Lee in her book In The Absence of Sun (Harmony Books, 2002), Korean newly-weds in the old days do not smile for photographs.

"It had to do with the old wives' tale that warned against the bride and groom from smiling on their wedding day lest their firstborn child be a girl."

Actually the Chinese in the old days also do not smile on their wedding day. I think it was mainly due to the solemnity of the occasion. And besides, for most brides, marriage was supposed to be a sad occasion since they were supposed to leave their families for good to become members of new and unfamiliar households.

The book was one of the earliest Korean-related books I had read and what struck me most was Lee's courage in reuniting three generations of her family, the sad tragedy of the continued division of the Korean Peninsula, and her powerful yet contradictory feelings for the guide who helped her execute the grand but often dangerous reunion. Dangerous because of the need to sneak her relatives out of reclusive North Korea.

And this bit about chauvinistic male seemed like something that Ab FS would probably agree with. In the words of a Korean man quoted in the book, "in Seoul, I don't have to think obsessively about how a woman is going to feel or react. It's not necessary. She just follows me."

The same male added: "That's why so many couples divorce in America. American men say, "Wow, you look lovely," pull out your chair, open your door. It's all action. That's not our custom. And because I don't do those things for you, you think all Korean men are wild and impolite."

Ab will also understand that the following words by Lee also echoed mine: "I forced myself to keep writing, because it had always been my salvation. It enabled me to divert real breakdowns by transferring troubled, sometimes incoherent thoughts onto paper."

"I wasn't crying for the world outside or anyone else anymore, but for myself, because I, who had always known where I was going, was ultimately lost. What lay in store for me? It was depressing to think that at the halfway point in my life, I was single, childless, and lost. This was not where I had expected to be ... "Now what, God?" I cried surrendering. Slowly from somewhere deep inside a message came to me. It said that if I could withstand this, I might be able to see the thing that I was supposed to see."

Recounting a conversation with her mother, Lee's mother reportedly said: "You're a special lady. You can achieve whatever you want, but I don't want you to miss out on a family of your own. Find someone who'll appreciate you and support your dreams. Then you'll have bigger wings." "What if he doesn't exist?" I asked. A small grin hovered on my mother's lips as if she knew something. "He does. When you meet him you'll know, because he's descended from heaven just for you. Halmoni and I have prayed so much for you. God has a file cabinet full of prayers, so don't worry." Actually, I wasn't worried anymore. I realized that finding a husband was not a priority for me ... I knew better than ever before that everything in my curious life had happened for a reason. And if it took 47 years to find that spectacular someone just for me, I was willing to hold on. I was not going to settle. I would never settle again. He would come to me correctly. No games, no cultural constraints, no empty promises."